Thursday, 24 May 2012

INSTRUCTION DESTRUCTION


On delivery of a new dslr camera we had ordered, something confirmed to me what I had thought for many years: Instructions are rubbish.  Of course, as a man, I don't need them anyway, but I did find with the camera that I may need to browse through them.  It has to be the biggest example I had ever seen of lies, miss-prints, errors, in fact it may have well been printed in a different language. (It was, on several pages.)
     I followed the usual route, as with any new electrical device and just took it out of the packaging and looked at it for a few seconds and then began the normal system of just assuming things went where they looked like they should go.  Isn't this what all blokes do?  Only did I turn to the "Tome of deceit" as I chose to re-name the instructions, when I wasn't sure what virtually any of the buttons did and thought the camera was faulty.  As I said, and as I am sure many men will agree, they were wrong.  Quite simple really, they had obviously made an error somewhere.  There was no possibility that I couldn't understand them.
    To start with they were in the wrong order, by which I mean not the order MY BRAIN WANTS THEM IN!  Then when I did find what I wanted, they were wrong: Push this, turn that and there you have it...No, no I don't have it.  I'm not even bloody close to having it, but this camera's going to get it!  As I was about to give the instructions to Daisy to have a go with, my wife piped up "The worst thing the reviewers mentioned where the instructions!"  Now she tells me.
    Anyway, after fiddling about and watching a couple of guides on "The orb of visual knowledge" (YouTube), I now understand the very basics.  I'm sure it will be a fantastic camera once I get the hang of it, but the point of this short tale is this: Men, remember the instructions are your enemy.  Do not believe what they say, it is lies.  Even if you have tried everything, do not look at them as they will make you go mad and shout things repeatedly like "Turn the selector to A, push button marked P and...and...IT STILL DOESN'T WORK!"  Only when you are about to return the goods to the shop may you consult them.  As if you do return it, the instructions, when opened in the shop, will all make sense, for they are the devil's work.
    Ladies, as I'm sure you are aware and are used to, just stand back and let him get on with it. Only step in if he offers it to you, or you think he may destroy it.  For goodness sake please don't suggest he may be doing it wrong, you know he'll insist they are wrong, he is not and will carry out instruction destruction....